


Have You Ever...

by ShineYunhyeong21



Series: The Heart Don't Break Even [2]
Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Ballet, Angst and Feels, Ballerino Junhoe, Ballerino Yunhyeong, Complicated Relationships, Conductor Hanbin, Double Dating, Envy/Jealousy, Established Relationship, Hanbin's Insecurities, M/M, Reminiscing, Self-Esteem Issues, Song Inspired, Staff Member Bobby, hanbin's pov, i think, idiot tingz, that's all for now, the lightest of humor, true feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-23
Updated: 2019-08-23
Packaged: 2020-09-24 23:01:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20366536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShineYunhyeong21/pseuds/ShineYunhyeong21
Summary: Have you ever been in love...been in love so bad;You'd do anything to make them understand?Have you ever had someone steal your heart away;You'd give anything to make them feel the same?- Brandy





	Have You Ever...

**Author's Note:**

> What it dooooooo?!
> 
> So, I'm back with something to hold over for the meantime as I get my shit together - sadly, I go back to school Monday and I have no school supplies what so ever because I wasn't to sure if I was actually going...Anyway! This is basically a continuation of my 'Ghostin' story, but the main focus this time is Junbin. This will take off in February when i had done the first story - don't want anyone to get confused.
> 
> I've had the idea to write this in either Yunhyeong's or Hanbin's POV, and a few weeks back I had got a comment about wanting to see Hanbin's POV, so here it is. You finally get to experience the idiot that Hanbin is in 3D *echo effect*. 
> 
> This is now in a series, just in case i decide to do Yunbob's POV or if anyone wants to keep the stories together. 
> 
> That's really it for this, and I hope to see you guys later for my Yunbob stories and any other ones. Comments are appreciated...if you want to. :)

The night is without music. My hand clasped in a larger one, the appendages swinging between our bodies as we forced ourselves to listen to the couple next to us. They’re the opposite of us – they’re everything that we’re supposed to be, sadly we can’t be like that. We can’t be fully happy and it’s both of our faults, but more so mine than his. If only I had it in me to fully capture his heart, then…then we would be like them. Without a care and with love oozing from our pores.

“Hanbin! Let’s go in this store!” The one who called out to me came to where we had stood with the world’s brightest smile on his lips. “They have a ton of good stuff.”

“I -,” Glancing towards the one who held my hand, he only gave me a tight smile in response before nudging me in that direction, “Yeah, sure, let’s go.”

Letting the warm hand go, I allowed the other to happily wrap his own arm with mine as he dragged me off towards the store that he probably knew like the back of his hands. I’m more of an online shopper than an in-store shopper. I’m too busy during the different seasons to actually want to go out and shop for anything besides groceries, and even then, I barely want to do that. There’s a lot that I don’t want to do, if I were to be truthful.

We entered the store being blasted with warm air from the heaters, greetings from the workers, and racks upon racks of clothing. They lined the walls, a few items hanging nicely from the ceiling along with signs that spoke of deals pertaining to the season. I had no clue to what his actual purpose of bringing me in here is – I mean, he more than likely wants an opinion on a fashion sense I’ll never have.

Unhooking his arm with my own, he ran off leaving me by a rack of shirts that weren’t really for me, per say. The style wasn’t something I’d immediately go for – nothing in this store is anything I’d go for. I’m more of a casual formal style seeing as how I might have sub for another conductor at any given time. Sighing at my thoughts, I flipped through the rack without any real care, my eyes drifting from the clothing in front of me towards the other who seemed to be having the time of his life.

“Hanbin, this would look so good on you!” A shirt was suddenly pushed up to my neck causing me to choke a little at the speed he had done it.

He turned me towards one of the many mirrors in the store, the shirt being held at my neck so that I could see what he sees. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to actually see what he sees.

“It’s…nice?” The words squeezed themselves out my throat, the image gracing the shirt making me want to push it away.

I’m not a huge fan of anything outside of music, so to be seen wearing a Bruce Lee t-shirt made no sense, at all. So, taking ahold of it, I politely declined before hanging it on a random rack. He didn’t take much offense to it, running off with the will to find something that I would like. I watched him run around once more, his content personality a constant reminder to the fact that he’s everything I’ll never be. His body’s perfect; his face’s perfect; his personality is perfect; he’s nothing but perfect. He can cook, clean, and dance his ass off – what does that leave for me?

I can only cook cup noodles and my clean is subpar. I can’t dance unless it’s a two-step with light hand movements. My personality is all over the fucking place which leaves me to be reduced to nothing more than an emotional wreck. I don’t work out as I’d rather spend my time practicing my cues for upcoming performances, so my body has no definition whatsoever – I’m practically a twig. The only thing I can kind of fall back on it my looks, and even then, I’ve only been in two relationships, this being the second. Can I even call this a relationship?

Are we even together emotionally?

Wiping away a stray tear, I moved my eyes from him to outside taking in the two who sat awkwardly on a bench. They weren’t looking at each other nor were they talking. The only thing they had in common was that their eyes were focused on the inside of the store watching us as we shopped. I met June’s eyes briefly, his hand waving at me before he stuffed it back into his pocket, the breeze chilling it. I wish he’d wear appropriate clothing for the weather instead of always relying on his body heat for everything.

“Ooh, I found something!” Turning my head just in time, he stopped in front of me with a hoodie that I’ll clearly be drowning in. “What do you think?” It’s closer to what I’d actually wear, if we’re being completely honest.

It was black with two white silhouettes on it and surrounding them were music notes. The silhouettes were obviously dancers – a ballerina and a ballerino. The ballerina was being held above the ballerino’s head, the music notes wrapping around her pointed toe before gliding off of her back and onto the rest of the black background. He quickly flipped it over showing me the back which held a list of ballets and the songs from them with their most critically acclaimed songs next to them. A song or two being one that I’ve conducted for the Korean renditions of such ballets.

“Doesn’t it give you that boyfriend clothing feel?” Raising my eyebrow, I shrugged having never heard that before, “You know, June loves the boyfriend look,” He whispered it with a giddiness that I’d never understand.

“O-Oh, does he?” I took it from him, the material slightly rough in my hands from being on the hanger for so long.

“Yes! You should wear it with shorts or only underwear,” He started to allude towards things I didn’t feel all that comfortable being open about, “he’ll surely devour you right on up, Bin!”

Nodding, as it’s the only thing I can do in this situation, he left me to start shopping from himself. With the attention away from me, I took in the clothing once more already knowing that I would buy it. How could I not when the person he loves picked it out for me, the person who loves him. I grabbed a few plain t-shirts before making my way to the counter, the hoodie hidden underneath the pile of shirts as if a secret.

I waited by the counter with the bag in my hand once the purchase was over, the other picking a few more items to add to his already impressive pile of clothing. It made my stomach churn at the fact that he could probably fit into anything which left me to think of the many things I couldn’t. I hate him – no, I want to hate him, but I can’t. I can’t hate the person who is continuously putting a wide arrange of emotions on a face that should only be mine. I can’t hate him for June’s imperfections, nor can I hate him for mine.

“Let’s go before they freeze to death. I’m not trying to drag icicles home.” I gave him a few soft chuckles that were hidden under his laughter.

He detached himself from me the moment we stepped outside, happily skipping towards the person who looked as if he had seen heaven itself. I wish June could love me like how Bobby loves Yunhyeong, only then would I never have to worry. They both had chemistry that I longed for in my own relationship, and it pisses me off that I can’t have it – that I can’t be fully happy.

“What did you get, baby?” Listening to the pure adoration laced amongst the other’s words, he immediately listened to his paradise go down a long list of clothes, he’ll more than likely only wear once. “Yes, this is really cute. I think it’ll look absolutely stunning on you.”

Sighing, I turned from the two taking in the one who stood in front of me, staring at me as if I would disappear at any second. The desperation that laid in his eyes still startled me. He always seemed on the edge of just letting his damn break, but, in the end, I plug the hole with a reassuring smile. I don’t think its fair, then again, what exactly in life is fair?

“Bin, how about you? What did you get?” Opening the bag, you could only see the t-shirt on top that held nothing but it’s black color. “You finally got something that I can steal.” The smile on my face slightly showed its genuine side at how happy he seemed.

“Guys, we have to go, but we’ll hang out again later, okay?” I nodded at the happy couple as we (Yunhyeong and I) exchanged huge while the two give each other stiff nods. “Be safe on your way home and text me when you guys arrive, okay?”

“You do the same,” We parted ways with that being said, the couple practically spinning each other around in what could only be seen as pure happiness.

Glancing at the one, whose hand slipping into my own, he caught me immediately with a smile, “Do you want to come over to my place? I have your favorite snacks in the cabinet, so we can watch a movie, if you want?”

“I-I would love that, June.”

The walk back to his place had use walking closer together than we normally do, our hands slipped into the pocket of his hoodie while his other hand, held my bag. A flutter of warmth had entered me at his gestures, and even though a voice was telling me something different in the back of my head, I ignored it all to focus on this moment. He tries to make everything feel better for me, but majority of the time his heart isn’t in it. It’s not – no, it is his fault and he knows it, so I try to keep my contempt to myself. I can’t have him feeling worse than he already does.

Making it to his place, he ushered us onto the elevator, our bodies being blasted with warm air that melted away the chill that clung to us. As I ran my fingers through my hair, he pressed his body into my own, arms wrapped tightly around me. I leaned into it, smiling at the extra warmth that he had provided.

“What movie do you want to watch? You can order whichever one you want.” Humming in thought, his chin rested heavily upon the crown of my head making me feel smaller than I actually am.

“How about something funny? It’s been a minute since we watched a comedy.” The doors opened revealing us to the couple that lived across the hall.

We exchanged pleasantries before heading into the heat of his home that he kept thoroughly controlled.

“You can go change into something comfortable, I’ll get everything ready.” Pressing a quick kiss to his cheek in thanks, I took my bag from him running off into his bedroom, that was very messy.

Ah, what would he do without someone to look after him?

‘_That’s probably why he’s clinging to Yunhyeong so desperately. I can’t take care of him like how the other has done._’, the thought left a nasty taste in my mouth as I went around picking up his clothing that was strewn all over the ground.

Once it looked livable, I went digging in his drawers for any clothing I had left from a previous time. I didn’t find anything of my own, so I opted to dig through his things in search of something. _‘You know, June loves the boyfriend look_’, my stomach dropped upon finding an item that didn’t belong to either of us.

The small pair of shorts dangled from my fingers. The wear and tear of them telling me that I had no reason to cause a fuss over this, but it also had me searching for other items that belonged to someone I didn’t want to think about. He’s always around – his clothing, his scent, his products – it’s like I can’t run from him. no matter how hard I try I just can’t, and it’s tear me to pieces. I ended up finding a few more forgotten articles of clothing, so doing the other a favor I tossed them into the garbage with way too much strength. The can rattled loudly on the ground catching the other’s attention.

“Everything okay in there, Bin?” The unfiltered concern grabbed at my throat, choking a few stray tears out of me.

“Y-Yeah, I accidently hit my foot on the garbage can.” He went away with my excuse, words rapidly falling from his lips about me being more careful.

Like he cares…does he even really care?

Changing into a pair of his workout shorts, they’re the only things that can fit me without me having to tie the strings until the break, I tossed on that stupid hoodie with a tight smile on my face. I wasn’t following the other’s advice at all – I wanted to see how he felt about the article of clothing. It was two sizes too big and hung almost to my knees making me sigh in defeat. The other knew what he was doing, and the fact that I don’t made me want to smash my head into a wall.

“When did you get that?” Meeting the other in the living room, he tilted his head in confusion, “Is it mine?”

“Ah, no, I brought it earlier. It has some of my favorite pieces on the back.” Sliding into the space he left for me, I laid against his chest between his spread legs trying my hardest not to think.

After what had happened a few days prior, I felt it was best to keep my words to myself. I spoke the truth which had the other cradling me for the rest of the night, his words of profound love filling my being until my tears had stop. The food had gone cold leaving us to just sit there with nothing but each other and our thoughts. I know he loves me; I also know, he isn’t in love with me because he’s still in love with Yunhyeong. I told him that that was fine, and I understand, but I don’t. I can’t. I’ll never understand, no matter how hard I force myself to. It’s not logical.

“…Bin...Hello?” Humming, I zoned back in taking in the fact that he was waiting on me to choose a movie. “Are you tired? We can go to sleep, if that’s the case.”

“No, I’m fine.” Picking up the remote, I went to the newer movies and after filtering it, I found something that sound okay. “How about this one?”

“Whatever you want.” I wonder if he knows what I really want.

Selecting said movie, I turned onto my stomach wrapping my arms as best as I could around him to get comfortable. He accepted it with ease, his own arms throwing themselves languidly over my back. We had soon fallen into a comfortable silence, the only thing breaking it being the sound of his hands as they dig into the small bowls he filled with snacks. They were healthy alternatives to the actual things, and even though most of them tasted downright disgusting, there were a few that I quite enjoy. He popped a few of them in my mouth every so often as the movie continued.

The movie soon became background noise as his hands started to wander leaving me to rest my chin to look at him. His eyes were focused on the screen, mouth slightly parted to let out huffs of laughter; his hands soon slid up the back of my hoodie leaving my skin exposed. Normally, I would bat his hands away wanting a better approach to the subject or a chase of some. This time though, I’ll let him do as he pleases. It can be an award of some sorts – an award for finally acting like we’re in a relationship and I’m not a third wheel.

Sometimes I can’t believe he chose me instead of crawling back to the other.

Sometimes I can’t believe he is actually in front of me.

Our meeting was a hectic one to say the least. I had been absolutely frustrated with the orchestra as they weren’t doing what I needed them to do, and no matter how many times I explained it, it still wasn’t right. So, in a frenzy of emotions, I threw open the doors to the practice room without a care for if anyone was actually by the door or not. With curses spilling from my lips, I turned the corner only to run right into solid body, the arms grabbing me from my impending fall backwards. I instantly fell silent as I could already tell by the cologne who it was, and I hopes so badly for it not to be them.

The moment I opened my eyes, a loud gasp left me as I stumbled out of his embrace, apologizing as I hurried to leave his presence. Sadly, the idiot wouldn’t allow it. He started to spew crap about buying me dinner to apologize for running into me, and how it was all his fault because he was too in his head. I was guilted into agreeing, but the brightness of his smile was already enough to tell me that I had been locked in from the beginning. That night, I got to know him for real, not through secret glances and longing looks, but the him that I longed to know.

I had fallen in love all over again.

An immediate connect had happen between us. The two of us texted, called, and meet up with one another on an almost daily basis. We started to wait for one another if either of us finished our practices or meetings early. ‘Stuck at the hip’, would be the best way to describe it without putting an actual title to it. Soon our friends were meeting each other, and we would hang out in groups, our time alone still prevalent. I was having the time of my life. My mind had gotten better, more flexible, allowing for a better work environment and an overall happier orchestra.

When he had asked me out, that was one of the happiest days of my life. It was one thing I so desperately wished to happen, and it did. The butterflies in my stomach still jump around at how romantic it had been. He didn’t seem like the type, but he had surely proved me wrong.

Then…Yunhyeong had happened. After a few weeks of pure content, on my end, he told me that he had one last person he wanted me to meet. I didn’t think much on it – I now regret not doing so. I went to meet him at the studio he was practicing in, the sound of muffled music greeting me first. He still had a few minutes of practice left, so I hung idly around with nothing to really do besides wait. The moment the music seized, and the door begun to continuously open and close, I couldn’t help the nervous feeling that had settled in the pit of my stomach.

The door had opened for the last time revealing two figures. From any angle, they looked like the perfect couple – it probably had to do with the weird energy surrounding them. Our greetings were casual, their conversation was casual as well, and soon the whole thing ended as nothing less than casual. The one who was now named Yunhyeong, ran off into the arms of some guy who looked as is he choked watermelons for fun. During the silence that settled between us, my mouth opened before I could stop myself, the other seemingly surprised by the observation. He answered me with the purest of truths that all I could do was pull a tight smile on my face.

It would have been better if he lied, then I wouldn’t be so hurt by all of this.

“You don’t have anything planned for tomorrow, right?” Shaking my head, I let out a small noise of surprise as he hoisted me up enough for me to be on his lap. “So, we can go all night?”

“All night?! You do know that I have to stand all day once the week starts?” His lightness of his laughter and the small shaking of his head had me leaning forward to plant a kiss on his lips.

“Is that a yes?”

“No – not all night.” Tackling me onto the couch cushions, we were a mess of limbs, laughter, and kisses as he worked hard at undoing the tight note of the shorts that I had stolen.

Once off, he attached himself to me, my laughter turning into shallow breaths as he began to devour the skin on my neck and face. The marks surely won’t be disappearing any time soon, which means I’ll have to wear turtlenecks until they do. The rhythm of kissing and wandering hands lasted longer than it normal does, I couldn’t help but wonder if he was hesitant or trying to savor the moment.

Well, that is what I thought until he slipped up, “I love you so much, Yun…” I stilled in confusion thinking that my mind must be playing tricks on me, but as he soon started to freeze up, I knew that it could only be that.

“H-Huh?” Pushing at him, he didn’t budge instead holding onto me even tighter, “What did you just say?” I struggled even harder as everything start to sink and I let my emotions best me, “YOU LOVE WHO SO MUCH?! Is this a game to you, Koo? Are my feelings a game to you?! You might as well go fuck him then, oh wait, you can’t. Why? Because he’s in happy relationship with someone who isn’t fucking you!”

I tried so hard to calm myself down, but as my mouth continued to insult him, my tears ran wild. My body thrashed heavily against his restraint. He didn’t let up though, which is probably the only good thing about this whole situation right now. I would have no problem hitting him right now, nor would I try and apologize after it had happened. 

“Bin…Baby please listen to me…please!” That desperation was back but it did nothing to deter me.

“What the hell is there for me to listen to, Junhoe?! Are you going to tell me that you -,” A heavy knot formed in my throat because I was never enough, “d-do you think about him every time you sleep with me?”

“I -,” He started to stutter and trip over whatever bullshit he wanted to give me, so with all my strength I brought my knee up taking it right into his crouch, “Ah, fuck, wait, baby, please…”

Scrambling towards the opposite end of the couch, I roughly wiped at my nose hating the feeling, “How do you think that makes me feel? DO you know how fucking crazy that makes me look?!”

“No, plea – it was only once in the beginning, but I swear it never happened after that,” He paused to wheeze trying his hardest to come closer to me, “I don’t know what the hell that just was, I swear!”

“Do you really expect me to believe you?!” My heart was now in pieces and I have no one to blame but myself. “I’ve been trying so hard to understand – I CAN’T FUCKING UNDERSTAND! I can’t! How would you feel if I was still hung up over my first love, hm? How would you like it if I dragged you around behind him to try and make it seem as if I only want to be friends? How would you like it if I called you his name in our most intimate moments- no, what if I slapped his face over yours?! You wouldn’t like that shit at all! You would have broken up with me right from the fucking start, so why the hell do I have to try so fucking hard to understand you?!”

Heavy breathing and the sucking up of snot were the only things in the air as we both stared at one another. Me, in anger, and him, in shock. I never once had this much to say about the situation, but since we’re, now, here I might as well lay it all out on the table. The fucking double standard and two-facedness of it all! I can’t keep carrying a burden that isn’t my own. I can’t keep begging for him to see me, then turn around and eat the crumbs that he leaves behind.

What about me? WHAT – THE FUCK – ABOUT ME?!

“I-I know I said that it’s okay for you to love Yunhyeong while I love you, but it’s not. It never will be. I want all of you,” Swallowing the lump in my throat, I turned away from the look of pity that had made its way on his face, “I can’t keep picking at these left over pieces and trying to make you whole again. My heart is shattered beyond repair, and I beg so desperately for you to be the one to fix it, but you’re never there. You’re…never…here…for me. D-Do you really even love me? Are we really in a relationship?”

“Of course, I love you, Bin. I love you with everything in me.”

“Can you say that you still love me without Yunhyeong?” His silence was all the answer I needed because it’s clearly too good to be true. “I-I need to get my head together, so just – just leave me alone for the night.”

I ran away into the guest bedroom, the door slamming heavily behind me. My whole body hit the wall, sliding down it in a pain that I never wanted to know.

Whoever said falling in love was the best thing to ever happen to them, is nothing more than a big fat liar and I hope they rot. I hope their house falls on them and their shoes get stolen by some clueless girl from Kansas. I hope a lot of bad things happen to them, and they never find a way out because they are so fucking stupid – just like me.

I’m supposed to be tearing his home to shreds in anger for the treatment I’ve been given in this relationship. But, in the end, I’m only angry with myself. I can only be disappointed in him because I knew from the moment Yunhyeong was introduced to me that I couldn’t change him without him wanting to come to me. I told myself that I was going to fully capture his heart and show him that love isn’t something that you can only find while looking at your past. Sadly, he has a crook in his neck because he can’t turn his head to the present and see that we should be trying to build towards our future.

He’s so fucking invested in his ex that I wouldn’t be surprised if Bobby picked up on it. it’s pathetic on his end, leaving me to be more disappointed than anything. I can’t be mad when I clearly knew what I was getting myself into. I’m the biggest idiot of them all, and once morning comes, I already know what route I’ll take. And, it isn’t the one less travel.

Laying down on the cold floor, where I belong, I cried myself to sleep never hearing the other as he settled on the opposite said of the door. He didn’t cry – no, he continuously apologized as if it would fix everything, already knowing that it would fix nothing. He left before the crack of dawn without getting an ounce of sleep as he spent his time listening to the breathing from the other side.

He listened until I stirred which had him rushing off to try and think of anything that would fix this. I listened to his heavy murmurs and the clanking of pots and pans. It makes me wonder a ton of useless, although justified, things but I shoved them away for my sanity. There isn’t even much left there, if I’m being completely honest.

A few hours ago, should have been my wake up call to this whole situation – which it is – but I’m not going to do anything with it. I-I don’t want to, because if I do, then I’m going to lose him which is the last thing that I ever want to do. I didn’t have a feelings for him for a year prior to our relationship for me to just run away. Especially not acting as if everything was fine with me before. At least, he understands my feelings now, hopefully. I never want to come out of my skin like that ever again – I guess, one could say, that I’m scared of the me from before.

I bettered myself, so that I could be completely happy. I don’t even like getting angry like how I used to.

Two soft knocks, had me jumping away from the door, “H-Hanbin, are you up?” The usually loud voice had been reduced to nothing more than a hesitant whisper. “I-I made something simple for breakfast, d-do you want to eat?”

“No, I’m not hungry,” I’m absolutely starving - he doesn’t have to know that though.

“C-Can we talk about last night?”

“What is there to talk about?”

“I promise, you’re the only one I want. After what you said about me loving him, I’ve been trying so hard to distance myself and detach these stupid memories. It’s been going so good until last night.” He was speaking so fast that when he pulled in a breath of air, he had fallen onto his knees. “I swear on everything that I love, I was thinking of something stupid and I wasn’t thinking about him when we were about to do it. his name slipped in from earlier and it came out. I really didn’t mean to say it, but I’m going to man up and take responsibility for it like how I should have done since the beginning.” I grabbed the doorknob waiting to see if he’s words would pull me towards him, or finally push me away.

“I’ve been putting this off on you for so long, that I’m sure any other person would have left me two days in. So, if you want to leave me, I won’t hold you back. I’ll send you away with everything you ever needed, and I can only hope that you fall in love with someone ten times better than me. I hope you never meet anyone like me every again. I’m a horrible human being for the way I’ve treated you - I deserve to be cut from the season -,” I cut him off because he should never say that when he works so hard.

Opening the door, I dropped down pulling him into a hug because – hmm – we’re both idiots. I can’t say I’m not in love with him, so if this is where we start over then that’s more than enough for me. As long as I’m finally his only, then that’s more than enough for me.

“I love you,” Whispering it, he held onto me even tighter as I did the same to him.

“Thank you…”

_All you can do is wait for that day when they will care?_


End file.
